On white knights, and the angel complex

Originally published September 23, 2019.

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When I was in middle school, I was a fairly prolific user of DeviantArt.

One of my online friends had a username along the lines of: xXx_WannaBeAnAngel_xXx.

The relatively cringe-y username aside, she was in every bit exactly what her username was. She wanted to be an angel, and her behavior online fit that exact mold. Never in my life have I ever known someone to fit so closely to that extreme.

And it wasn’t even roleplay as some Nuffians might roleplay on NUF.

She legitimately and seriously wanted to save everyone that she ran into online.

The savior, last golden light, the angel that descends from Heaven…

She would often go to the angsty corner of deviantart where all the suicidal, cutting, and self-harming people were and she would talk to people, give them her positive energy, and generally speaking be that too-bright light in a dark dark place. She had a lot of friends and tons of people liked her.

I have no idea what really ran through her head, but it’s somewhat irrelevant to this story. She was probably only like 14 years old anyways.

However whenever someone mentions an angel, she’s the first person that comes into mind.

Wandering Fingers On Ebony and Ivory Keys

Originally published March 9, 2015.

I started playing piano when I was seven years old.

I had a very strict Chinese mother who sat next to me every night. My fingers would fumble on the piano, and my mother would complain because it’d be the 1000th time I’d made exactly the same mistake. My elbows would droop and my fingers would fall apart. She’d yell at me because I wasn’t listening to her. I’d start crying and she’d shout, saying I didn’t have the right attitude. I’d cry and cry and cry. I’d cry.

I’d just keep crying and crying.

I cried every night for a very long time.